We all have choices to make in life. I have made many, many bad choices the worst of which will celebrate it’s 1st Anniversary in just 7 days.
I strive to be a good person, I try hard to practice gratitude in all that I do, search for the best in people and in myself. I work hard at being better and getting better but with August 20th looming over me…and the past weekend completing a course that brought to light the even greater problems that I had created in my life I know that what was a negative event in my life has become a very deep and profound life changing moment.
On August 20th I made a decision (there’s that choice thing) to go out and get drunk after having a wonderful weekend with someone that I truly cared about. It was not one of those up and down topsy turvy kind of weekends. We did real couple stuff, like go to Ikea, buy and build a bed, make dinner together, relax in her little pool. I left there in a great mood…but by the time I got home…I not only had stopped at the liquor store, I had made a real decision that I was going to get totally wasted for the first time in almost 6 weeks!
Out came the Wine and the Whiskey and with that, my mood altered. I could only see the negatives. I could only bear to think about this persons faults. I lost the perspective of being happy and just needed to fill my life with the thing that I new would only tear me down further. I drank from 5:30 pm until after midnight and arranged to meet up with a female friend in the next town over. There was never any thought of hooking up or anything…just was that kind of drunk lonely that needs to be reminded there is some value.
On my way home that night…I ran into a Ride Program…and my life would soon be forever changed. I am an alcoholic…I know this. I don’t drink normally, the all or nothing aspect of my BPD or the allergic reaction for me to alcohol just says have another…until I do stupid shit.
I was put in handcuffs and taken to a jail cell for the first time in my life. I blew over twice the legal limit and while I was not feeling fine…I did not feel extremely impaired.
So in one more week, the anniversary of my stupidity will come. I wish I could say it was my last mistake but it was not.
I have learned much from that mistake though, I truly have. I have not had a single drink since that day. I have been sober for 358 days so far and that is one thing I would not change.