And It All Begins Again

In AA your sober date is your Birthday.  It is celebrated as any other birthday but there is a fundamental difference…the celebration of sobriety is the real gift.

In the two months that I have been focused on my sobriety I have lost a great deal,  but the biggest and scariest thing that I have lost is the filter and blinders that I have put on my life and my memories that may have protected me and shielded me from my past.

I have been dealing with a lot of changes lately and I think despite attempting to get to know myself since my BPD diagnosis…this is the first time that I have been honest with myself as I work through the 12 steps in an effort to truly commit to my recovery.

It is funny…many of the truly painful parts of my BPD are starting to shrink away.  I am taking a long hard look at the people, places and things in my life.  Looking inwardly at who I am…and I mean really who I am.

It is funny how being alone with my thoughts 24 hours per day used to scare the hell out of me but now…it is like this wild journey that is taking me into the nooks and crannies of my mind that I had closed off and would not open the door to.  In this journey though, there is no place to hide from the demons that have fueled my thinking and formed the ever changing personality that only existed to please others.

As I rebuild my life I feel that I have a new purpose.

There are those who are saying that I am pouring myself into the program with very Black and White Thinking.  I have caught myself doing this…and really looked at it deeply and with as objective an eye as I could and while I am committed to AA and my sobriety…it is not an All or Nothing…except for when it comes to taking that first drink…that I know that I can not do.

As I was reborn on August 22, 2018 I can see the transformation happening to me almost every day.  I am getting better at asking for help, I am getting better at admitting I am wrong.  I am not building walls around myself anymore and am truly being vulnerable.

The people that I choose to let in during this transition have been incredibly supportive and kind.  I feel my fears slipping away and even as memories that have been locked away for more than 30 years flood back into my consciousness and at times overwhelm me I feel safe and protected.

The combination of focusing on my DBT Skills and with the added assistance and guidance of a Group of Drunks 4 times per week are allowing myself to build the person that I was meant to be.  I am not hiding behind both truths and lies that I had been telling myself for years.

I am forging friendships with other people for the first time in my adult life and the sense of alone is truly no longer there.  I can sit alone reading for hours and feel like only a moment has passed but I can also go out and share an hour or two with a new friend and express myself.  It is amazing…but with my mind so vulnerable right now…just like my sobriety I am taking things one day at a time!