Living in the Past

I can honestly say that as I walk the path of sobriety and I mean true sobriety not just the act of not drinking…I am finding many of my challenges with BPD to be disappearing.  Going to AA meetings, interacting with others and getting a sponsor to help me work through the steps of my recovery is really focusing on bringing my mind to living in the moment and working on one day at a time.

But I am faced with some very real challenges right now.  I am at the stage of my recovery that I am starting to build a full and complete moral inventory.  Looking at my life, my actions and my faults.  To those whom I have harmed and to those who have harmed me.

It is taking every ounce of my strength right now to fight the pull to spiral into the thoughts that had me drink so heavily to forget the past but now as I am being truly honest with myself in this stage of recovery…I have to feel this pain.  I had thought that I had insulated myself from hurting others by drinking alone…but that is just not the case.

I am finding myself seeking ways to look into the lives of those that I had harmed.  The reality that they have moved on without me hurts.  It is really making today a difficult one for me.

I sit here crying about how I was.  The things that I thought and did.  The actions that I took.  The lost opportunities for happiness.  If this is what recovery is going to be like, I am not sure if I can do it.  It hurts a lot.  Seeing or sensing that others are happier because I am not in their life anymore is a really tough pill to swallow.  In the depths of my black and white thinking…I was all in…when it came to my interaction with them and to see that I am nothing more than a foot note in their history is very painful.

I sit here, contemplating what I did wrong.  The choices I made and the wrong turns that I took.  I see things for what they were…but I am struggling with the idea of seeing things for what they are.

I know that this process is an important part of my recovery from Alcoholism.  The building of a new me that is stronger and more capable of having real relationships with the outside world…but right here…right now…I hurt.

Living in the past is not a solution though.  Revisiting the past can be a healing tool but to dive too deeply into that past can cause the carefully crafted present to spin out of control.

The pain and suffering that I was feeling at the start of this post is mostly slipped away.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics of Anonymous it says “We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.”  This is a profound statement and has had me really thinking about how I should deal with the guilt that I feel.  The fortunate thing is…I have learned some skills in my time in therapy that have put some of this into perspective.  Feelings and emotions will come and go.  When something starts to take over…it is time to evaluate and validate the feeling.  Taking a long hard look at this feeling I have right now…I realize that while I feel more alone in this process…I realize that I have so much more now than I ever had when I was stuck in the endless cycle that I was in.

The past happened…I can not change it.  It is gone…and while the ripples of the actions taken may go on for days, weeks or even years…that time is gone and I can not change it.  Looking at what and who I am RIGHT NOW, IN THIS MOMENT is far more important.

These things made me into what I am…but will not define who I will become.

I am changing, I am evolving.  I am getting better One Day at a Time!