The past month has been a real tough one for me. My mood has been really low for the most part but at the same time there has been great joy. When my addiction to alcohol took me to a place that I never thought I would go, for the first time in my life I truly reached out for help. Those closest to me while angry and upset…actually accepted that I had a disease and that my actions and mistakes were part of that disease…but that now that I was getting help, things would get better.
Yesterday though, was a tough one. It was tough to admit that I was powerless over my drinking, but as I stood in a court room and admitted to my wrong doing…I was overcome with emotion. I had spent almost the entire day, isolated on a hard seat thinking about my actions, planning my admission and focusing on letting it all go…but in that one moment as the judge asked if I had anything to say…I felt that a weight was about to be lifted from my shoulders.
I knew in my heart that my Higher Power had already forgiven me and accepted me back, but as I broke down in front of the Judge and the entire court room I knew that it was time to step out from all that had been holding me back. That who I was, really and truly was not who I am.
The judge looked at me and with a truly compassionate look, said “I can see that you are truly sorry for your actions and are taking the necessary steps to never be in front of me again. I wish you continued success in your recovery.” I very nearly collapsed back into the chair. He saw in me, what I could not see for a very long time.
Today I receive my 1 month chip from AA and while it is only 30 days and I have a life time of one day at a time to go…it feels so much better today than it did a month ago when I first walked into a meeting looking for answers.
The best part of all this though, is that many of my BPD symptoms are melting away. As I give up on looking at my life as a quest of “I”, “Me” and “Mine” and replace it with “Us”, “We” and “Ours” I am actually finding out that I have a sense of self. That looking inward only isolated me from the good that is available. My past is my past, my future has not happened but in this moment…I am good and that is all I need.
For anyone out there struggling…don’t be afraid to ask for help. Over and over and over. It is out there, and sometimes it can be hard to find. It won’t always come to you in a burning bush as it did for me…but be open to the signs and grab on to the fact that You Matter! You are stronger than what holds you back. Live today for today and all that you want will be made available. That is an amazing feeling and one that I am truly grateful for.