I have learned much about myself in the past 3 weeks of sobriety. The inward looking that I have been doing since making the conscious decision to get help has been well sobering.
All the challenges that I have faced in my life have been brought about by my inability to see myself for who I am. Even as I went into therapy for BPD I was still hiding from the fact that I would self medicate with alcohol far too much. I walked the thin line between my BPD and my Alcoholism for far too long and in its wake I did things, said things and became things that I am not proud of. I hurt people that I cared about and allowed people to hurt me because I did not feel that I deserved any better.
I am struggling with this day to day living. Especially the fact that I now have to face a bad day head on and can not hide from it anymore by seeking solace in the bottom of a bottle of wine or whisky.
My life is better than it was though and that in and of itself is saying a lot about the people who chose to stay by my side.
I am alone, but I am not lonely and that to me is a very unique feeling.
I find myself going out more than I did in the past, I have made new friends (or at least the beginnings of new friendships) and that is an amazing feeling.
The benefits of going to AA Meetings is like an incredible burden has been lifted from me. The battle that I would inwardly face each and every day as I had to actually have an internal argument with myself as to whether or not I would drink is finally over. I find myself sleeping better, eating better and for the first time in a long time being honest with myself.
Do I still feel the pains of my BPD…sure but amazingly…those challenges actually seem to be diminishing as I find my way through the daily path of making the choice to accept myself as I am and focus on the most important thing for me…TODAY I AM SOBER. I am not thinking about tomorrow or next week or next month. Sure there are things that are scheduled or plans I have made…but I am not focusing on them. I am finding that the practice of being mindful is far easier now that I have a clear mind without the dangers of alcohol.
Recovery will be a lifelong battle but for the first time, the anxious feelings and dread are not all encompassing. I am looking forward to the day, starting off with a prayer and moving forward to my new beginning.
I long for opportunity to really and truly make a real life for myself and to find the joy in the moment. This is my one goal in life as I live it one day at a time.