It seems that I have become trapped in a seemingly endless loop of my past mistakes.
I work hard at appreciating the moment that I am in (good or bad) but it seems that I keep making the same mistakes that leads to a repeat of the suffering that I have been going through in recent months.
I have not posted much here lately because I have been truly trying to work through some of the really poor life choices that I have made so far in 2018. I have not been a good person, to myself or to others. I have experienced tremendous growth as a person and have a far stronger sense of who I should be…and then it all seems to come crashing down.
I would like to blame technology, or circumstances or other people…but when I take a step back, in this moment…the one thing that remains at the center of it all is me and the choices that I make.
It almost seems like I like to cause myself misery. I am not pushing people away…at least not intentionally but I do things (some little and some very very big) that makes people run away. I am over the smothering that I was guilty of, hell I am even over trying to fix everyone else at the expense of myself.
What I am challenged with, is why I could take something pure and real and exactly what I felt I needed…and just throw it away.
Am I truly that messed up???
I have worked so hard at looking at root causes and focusing on being present…that I seem to be just opening more of the same doors and me being such a fool…I walk back into the same traps that have caught me before.
I am really trying to be open and honest with both myself and others…but yet I seem to be failing at that too. Not that I am lying…but there seems to be so much doubt in my ability to be that.
For now, I will be alone. I think I can accept that for the most part but the next month is going to be really tough.