Endless Loop of Repeating Mistakes

It seems that I have become trapped in a seemingly endless loop of my past mistakes.

I work hard at appreciating the moment that I am in (good or bad) but it seems that I keep making the same mistakes that leads to a repeat of the suffering that I have been going through in recent months.

I have not posted much here lately because I have been truly trying to work through some of the really poor life choices that I have made so far in 2018.  I have not been a good person, to myself or to others.  I have experienced tremendous growth as a person and have a far stronger sense of who I should be…and then it all seems to come crashing down.

I would like to blame technology, or circumstances or other people…but when I take a step back, in this moment…the one thing that remains at the center of it all is me and the choices that I make.

It almost seems like I like to cause myself misery.  I am not pushing people away…at least not intentionally but I do things (some little and some very very big) that makes people run away.  I am over the smothering that I was guilty of, hell I am even over trying to fix everyone else at the expense of myself.

What I am challenged with, is why I could take something pure and real and exactly what I felt I needed…and just throw it away.

Am I truly that messed up???

I have worked so hard at looking at root causes and focusing on being present…that I seem to be just opening more of the same doors and me being such a fool…I walk back into the same traps that have caught me before.

I am really trying to be open and honest with both myself and others…but yet I seem to be failing at that too.  Not that I am lying…but there seems to be so much doubt in my ability to be that.

For now, I will be alone.  I think I can accept that for the most part but the next month is going to be really tough.