Troubling Times and Change…oh the Change

The past couple of months has been a real roller coaster of emotions for me.  I did things in my recent past that I am neither proud of, nor condone as they are not who I am or who I want to be.  I have hurt people, turned lives upside down and forced myself back into an isolation that has had me feeling more than a little afraid for my safety.

I started back to therapy in April and have been working hard at correcting the mistakes that I had made when I was being pulled in too many directions because of the choices that I made.  Happiness is an elusive mistress and I while I have had many moments of joy so far this year…my actions and words have made those moments short lived.

As I take stock of the things that I have done in recent history I struggle with the concept that this was my illness presenting itself or it way me trying to live up to the diagnosis.  I think it is more of the latter as I didn’t like what I was doing and still did it anyways…at times justifying it to myself that this is the way people like me are supposed to act.  I take ownership for my actions, my words and my deeds and to this day I pay for them in the most profound way by being alone.

When the truth came out about what I was doing…I wanted to curl up and die.  I hurt others and for me that is not cool.  I felt tremendous guilt and shame at what I had allowed myself to become and the worst thing…even after it all came out…I continued down a path that was self destructive.  I don’t blame anyone other than myself.  I allowed myself to make less than perfect choices that not only ended up hurting people that I care about…but also hurt myself.

These choices that I made created the isolation that I feel today.  But it is not a dark isolation with the deep seated feeling of abandonment, I should but I don’t.  I feel a cathartic cleansing has happened and I am coming out the other side feeling more ok with things as they are, then I did when I was wrapped up in the mess that I created.

I don’t regret walking away from one situation.  It needed to happen, I destroyed the chance of a relationship and the feelings I had truly clouded my judgement about the possibility of friendship.  I didn’t see or chose not to see the signs that I was repeating past mistakes and in doing so I lost touch with someone who was truly there for me…despite my actions.

The two months of reflection and hurt that I have gone through has had me come out the other side a different person.  I have faults.  I am less than perfect.  I am at times broken.  But all of this was created not by my illness.  I was letting my diagnosis control who I was, not truly finding the ways to cope with things.  I buried myself in a bottle way too much.  I suffered on an emotional level by investing too much in someone who could not or would not return the investment.  I didn’t see it for what it was…I allowed some emotions to cloud my judgement and in doing so forced other people in my life to walk away from who I had become.

I find myself apologizing a  lot lately.  Not so much because I was wrong (there is lots of that), I have been apologizing because I failed to live up to who I wanted to become.  Who I feel that I was destined to become.  I know more about who I am and have really put a lot of focus on building the biggest part of me that has been lacking for several years.  My sense of self has been malformed for a lot of years.  I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to become so I would just transform myself to whatever or whoever was around me.

I was fortunate enough to find someone who truly understood this.  Who could see my struggle but was still there to offer a kind ear and warm shoulder.  My lack of self though really did become my undoing.  I lost this person because of my actions.  I wasn’t strong enough to be able to say no when I needed to, and at the same time was wanting the allure of the happiness that I thought was there to cloud my judgement.  It was marking time…something that I am oh so good at doing.  Reliving the same moments…and hoping for a different outcome that forced this kind and loving person to walk away from the drama that I was creating all around me.

In recent weeks, as I have took the time to really look at what I was doing, I realized that these choices that I made were not healthy.  They were not who I was, or worse who I wanted to be.  I couldn’t keep living the same lie over and over hoping that it would become true just because I wanted it to be.  This did mean however that for a guy that fears the idea of being alone…that I would be.  I chose to step away from the moments of happiness (or the facsimile of happiness) and really look at what I needed to do for me.  It was like pulling off a band aid…it hurt in the moment but already I am feeling better.

I regret that these things hurt someone.  That I lost touch with them and that their belief in me was at the time misplaced.  I couldn’t see it in the moment as I was too close to the fantasy that I could have my cake and eat it too.  I began the process of being brutally honest with everyone…and that honesty freed me from the bonds that had tied me into this endless loop of self destructive behaviour.  I don’t harbour hard feelings about the time I spent in this cycle…I look at it as a life lesson.  But I am finding it hard to reconcile that I did this all and broke the trust of someone who offered it without strings attached.  I chose left…when I should have chose right.  I walked the path of least resistance only to find out that it was just a slippery slope.

Who I was, who I had become and who I am in this moment…are three totally different things.

I am not fixed…not by any stretch of the imagination…but I am better.  I am stronger.  I am me.  And for the first time in a long time…I can say that I am happy with who I am…RIGHT NOW.

I will continue to work on myself.  Taking the steps to heal and learn and become a better person.  I only wish that I was able to separate myself from all of this 4 months ago, things would be a lot different today if I had.