There are days that I find it really hard to separate fact from fiction and reality from fantasy. Knowing what is just a coincidence and what is more than just paranoia. My fears of abandonment have been coming on stronger than ever lately and I think it is because I have allowed myself to become connected to other people in my life recently.
I made a choice to reveal some truths about myself. The truths about my struggles with mental health and with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Most days, the dark passenger that I carry around with me is content to just reside in the back of my mind as a reminder that I need to focus on not distorting the real truths that live within me.
You see, I really am a nice guy. I strive to be honest in everything that I do and say. I try not to be more than I am, or less than I am. Everyday I make a conscious decision to really try to be myself…except when it comes to telling everyone around me about the inner voice that creates self doubt, pushes others away and leads me down a decision process that is at times questionable.
For the most part, the 86400 seconds that make up a single day are positive and uplifting. I don’t feel like my illness rules the entire portion of the day and sometimes the feelings and emotions are only overwhelming for a moment…but then as it has been for the past couple of weeks it is not as easy to make it through a day, or even a minute without the ugly head of a low self esteem rearing its ugly head at me.
Through out my adult life I have built a carefully crafted wall around myself, both to protect myself, but also others from the truth that lives within me. The stigma that is attached to the diagnosis of BPD is very real. Recently I revealed this reality that I live with to some people that I am close to and this truth while in the moment was very freeing, now seems to weigh heavily over me. Things about the reaction of others when they know you are not well is at times very scary. It is not like when you are physically ill or in pain when the sympathy and support comes out…it changes the interaction with others.
The walking on egg shells, the avoiding difficult conversations, the distance that now appears to be forming. My daughter recently revealed her own diagnosis of BPD with all of her family and friends in a Facebook Post. It didn’t seem to backfire on her as it seems to have for me. I am scared of this new reality that faces me. Being honest though ultimately is far better than trying to hide the truth or worse, crafting the countless explanations for strange behaviour.
I truly hope that my truth…the one that I have no choice but to battle every single day with does not cast a shadow on who I am as a person and destroy all that I have worked so very hard to build and rebuild since my diagnosis 18 months ago.
I won’t hide from this illness. I will not bury my circumstances from the world anymore.
Not everyday will be sunshine and puppy dogs…so why is it that I try to pretend that they are? I may not be free, but I am not hiding anymore and that itself is better than freedom…it is liberation!