The ups and downs of life have had me really thinking about the long list of downs that I have seen in my life recently. But as I sit back and really look at what has happened to me over the past couple of weeks that has left me sleepless and confused, there have been many good things that have happened.
You see, I am seeing that I am actually being more honest with myself lately. Sure this honesty has lead to me really looking deeply at myself, my illness and my ability to co-exist with other people.
What I have seen in myself recently has not been that great though. I either shut people out, or force them to shut me out. I hate the idea of being alone and without support but at the same time the crippling fear of abandonment leaves me unable to let anyone in. I have felt the push and pull of relationships and love and lust since getting back into dating and all of that has left me more empty and more afraid than I ever have been.
I either overshare and then withdraw or worse yet…hide behind the manufactured stability and then the cracks appear in the armour that I wear when out.
I hate myself for a lot of things right now. I need to be connected but the actual act of connecting and I mean truly connecting scares me to death. I hate myself for feeling this way which leads me to extreme isolation and self hate.
Last night, I took a long hard look at my bottle of sleeping pills as I was up at 3:30 am still and really and truly considered just taking the entire bottle. I didn’t though, and really don’t think that I would…but where is that line drawn that keeps me from taking that final step?
The self loathing that comes from my inability to maintain a healthy relationship with myself, also prevents me from building a healthy relationship with others and that more than anything truly scares me.
They say love yourself before you can love anyone else…but I find myself truly engaged in an outside relationship only to get scared and push it away when it starts to take root. This can be done through words, my actions or worse yet…the combination.
I long for stability, and I know that any new relationship (with myself or with someone else) is going to take a lot of work. Communication and honesty are key…but how can I do that with someone else when I can’t even bear to be honest with myself most of the time.
I am truly afraid of today…and can’t even bear to think of what tomorrow or next week will be like right now.