For most of my adult life I have not been happy. The reasons are many but it all appears to have been related to my personal burden of having Borderline Personality Disorder. Over the past 14 months since my diagnosis I have been faced with numerous challenges that have brought into question whether or not I should continue to pursue happiness or if I should just accept what is as it is…whether that be happiness or not.
Relationship wise, I have found myself in many situations that both brought me extreme joy. My heart being filled with such acceptance and love that it at times felt like it would burst, but at the same time, in that time frame…relationships have continued to be my downfall. Just when I think that everything is as close to perfect as possible, my actions, my words or my thoughts push that happiness and joy away. I dive into a dark place and push those closest to me away.
In my present situation of being on a quest for happiness, I may have found exactly what I have been seeking but at the same time, the constant fear of doing the wrong thing has me guarded and fearful of what tomorrow will bring.
As I sit here writing this, I think of all that I have done to grow into a better person. Understanding my triggers better. Dealing with the onslaught of emotions that sometimes consumes me. Focusing on being present in the moment. Performing radical acceptance of who I am and who others portray themselves to be.
This journey that I am no is neither easy, nor is it without its extreme challenges.
I still find myself lying to myself and building justifications for the things that I do and say. I so want to trust others at face value but fear that either I will let them down or they will let me down and all that I am moving towards will come crashing down around me.
I find myself feeling sad about some of the choices that I have made for myself as I move towards a healthier and more balanced me…but at the same time I feel so greatly empowered that I have been able to make those choices for my own emotional well being.
As we close out the first month of 2018 I do find myself looking from the outside in at times. I see the direction that I am heading and while I am not building long term plans or goals around what is happening to me in the moment…I still wonder if I am truly strong enough to not only be there for myself, but to be there for someone else.
Can I make do with the tools that I have now? Do I need extra help to decipher the code that seems to be in front of me so many moments in the day? Will I fall down, will I be able to get back up? Is what I see really and truly what I see or is it just a construct of this dream that I have that only includes happiness?
The confusion is real for me but as I move forward, with occasional pauses, I know that for now…I am not pursuing happiness at the expense of who I am. I am accepting that when it is there…I will embrace it for what it is…and when it is not there…that is also ok. I am stronger today than I have been in years, but I still do feel fragile and broken. And as I try to heal my psyche from the past…I live today for what it is (mostly).
For anyone out there who is reading this. Don’t construct a future that only includes someone else…it truly must include you. For when everyone else is gone and you are left alone (even for just a moment), you need to be ok with who you are hanging out with because that SELF is who will always be there with you. I am not quite completely there yet…but I am getting closer.