I truly felt that I was closing out 2017 with a grand new perspective on happiness and wellness and then it all came crashing down for me.
As those who come here who suffer from BPD know, the feeling of abandonment is very strong within us and as I struggle with the loss of yet another relationship that I was 100% committed to, I feel even lonelier than I have in a very long time.
As I explore this feeling of being alone, one part of me wants to run out and fill the void, one part of me wants to drown my sorrows, one part wants to just end the pain and one part wants me to soak up the feelings and learn from them.
All these different feelings are truly having a battle inside my heart and even more so clouding my judgment to the point that this morning I found it difficult to even put on pants and come to work. I sit here trying to kick off the year right by applying as much focus as I can and I find myself unable to even really look at the screen as I type this.
I see myself as broken right now. I closed out 2017 with a Kidney Stone, surgery and what I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me…and then today it all came crashing down.
My health (physical) seems to be deteriorating fast and I may need to go back to the hospital soon, and now my health (mental) is in such a fragile state that for the first time in months I am genuinely contemplating who would actually miss me if I was gone.
I detach myself from this feeling but it just comes back. I ground myself and I see things as they are for a moment. And then…out of the blue I feel like I have just gone 12 rounds with a heavy weight boxer.
This just SUCKS!!!