The past week has been filled with many ups and downs leading to some very difficult moments that I have been struggling with the concept of being mindful. With my Borderline Personality Disorder I struggle with every emotion, every feeling, hell every conversation. I am trying so damn hard not to read into things but it is really difficult.
They say that every ending is a new beginning, but what happens when that ending doesn’t actually end like you thought it did?
The ups and downs that I have felt have had me nearly bottom out several times, I am always tired, can’t concentrate and have even temporarily forgot how to breathe but then there is the emotional high of seeing someone, touching them and even sharing a tender kiss. As much as I wanted to be in that moment, my mind was racing through all the ways that this was going to circle back around and hurt me all over again.
I tried so damn hard to just accept it as a moment. One that was as close to bliss that I had felt in weeks…but then the fear crept back in.
I know that I can not have the long term “super goals” anymore. I have to focus on the here and now as much as possible…but the conflict of how happy I could be, how complete I should be, and then the painful realization of seeing things as a negative…I am scared, happy, depressed, terrified and I will admit it here…super turned on by everything lately…I am just really not sure if I can make the right decisions based on facts.
Do I move forward, do I back away. Can I accept what this is (what ever that may be) or do I negotiate for a real change. Do I say no more or continue to say yes to everything.
It is so hard, because deep down in my heart I know that I love and can be loved but getting there in the past 9 months has been an emotional roller coaster and I don’t see that changing too much in the short term. Is this a long term adventure that I have to ride out and continue to be supportive at the continued expense of part of my identity? Do I have enough left in my emotional bank account to continue to write the cheques?
It seems like I have gone down this path all too many times in recent memory. I know that we can talk about this…it is just a question of if I will actually lay all my concerns out on the table and have a real conversation and really come to some sort of agreement that it can’t be all or nothing. That a partnership is not about one person always giving and the other person always receiving. I have some real needs that need to be met and they have been neglected for way too long.
Well, at least sitting here typing this out I don’t feel the anxiety that I have been…but it doesn’t change that this current crossroads that I face is even more challenging than the one that I thought I was at last week at the same time.