There was a time not to long ago that the thought of being alone and without the one person who had become such a big part of my life had put me into a tail spin that had me contemplating ending it all. This very feeling is what lead to me seeking the help that I had so desperately been looking for for most of my adult life but now that it is a reality…that feeling is really not there…well at least not in a way that I would act upon it.
You see, I still struggle almost every day with the thoughts that take me down the path of looking for an “exit plan”. You see, having suicidal thoughts and being suicidal for me are two very different things and with my focus and determination to be well with my mental illness I can now see the difference and have built a Living Plan that helps me get through these moments of dark contemplation.
The series of steps I take may not work for everyone, but it allows me to take a step back from the thoughts that creep into my head when I am feeling most vulnerable. Lately this vulnerability has really come up a lot as the abandonment issues that accompany my Borderline Personality Disorder seem to be a constant distraction for me…but in working through my personal inventory checklist that I built, I can ease back from this negative self talk and find the ways that I MATTER.
You see, I know that I have purpose and that I am worthy of all that I want in life…but when things like loss and grief and abandonment and turmoil come into my life…it gets really hard to put these thoughts, feelings and actions away…but my checklist grounds me and allows me to put the negative self talk away and start to refocus my efforts.
That focus though is a challenge, especially at work lately. I am easily distracted and even though I have a dozen projects that I am trying to work on at the same time…I just can’t seem to completely walk away from them, at least until I take a couple of deep breathes and run through my checklist.
To all of you out there that are struggling with similar thoughts and fears…I have been there and will be there again. I know it is not easy, nor is it a great way to live your life…but it is living and that is important. YOU MATTER!
Until next time, Cheers!