Having BPD is a constant battle with the sense of abandonment. I have yet to isolate when and where this feeling started but I know that right now and for most of my adult life I have struggled with this feeling.
What is toughest about this part about this illness is that I really like doing my own thing and the confines of having to do things that suit other people tend to be draining for me.
The newest version of ALONE though is going to be my toughest battle. For nearly 2 years I have partnered with a person that in most ways brought out the best in me. I was truly committed, hell I finally sought help for my “challenges” because I needed to be the best version of me…but in the end it does not appear to have been enough.
I have changed these past 2 years, mostly for the better but as I look back, I have lost some things in the process too. But in looking at what I have gained, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
It does not make this constant feeling in the pit of my stomach feel any better. I feel completely empty inside.
The sense of dread that I am experiencing every moment is a tough pill.
I know that I will get through this but it doesn’t make it any easier. I did things, became things, wanted things and built things based on the promise of a future…and that future did not materialize the way that I had hoped. I get it, for normal people this is just part of life but for me and my BPD this whole experience is amplified to the point of me becoming physically ill.
I look to my right and I look to my left and I don’t see the two people that I trusted the most being there for me anymore. One is heading off to college to start her new life and I can accept that as part of being a parent but the other…I don’t know what more I could have done. The path of living is really hard. The twists and turns of the life we live makes it hard some times to practice being mindful.
I open my eyes and keep seeing this ideal life that I was supposed to have. The past 9 months has been really hard as I transformed much of who I am to help both myself and someone else make it through a really challenging time in our lives.
Did I change too much? Did I not give in enough? Did I not set the boundaries early enough? Did I not accept the situation as it was and just live it?
All these questions and more keep popping into my head as I try to look at what I could have done, should have done or wanted to do to make things work…but then I start to see things from a different perspective and the blame is no longer wholly on me. In fact there is no blame.
There only is.
I accept this moment as my reality. While I am a long way from embracing it, I accept it.
Alone is what I will be.