A while ago my life circumstances presented me with an opportunity to do something that just a few short weeks ago I would have thought impossible. This challenge has weighed on me for quite some time, calling into question my deepest feelings of abandonment and forcing me to look at what it means to be alone.
I survived the weekend without any major incidents or fits of deep depression. Much of this reality though is still buried under the hope that this circumstance is just temporary and that my reality and that of another person will once again come back around to meet each other but the acceptance that I am taking on in this moment reveals that I will be able to do this on my own if I need to. I am not going to say that it hasn’t been difficult but that is the funny thing about recovering from an illness that all too often cripples you…I am able to see things far clearer now that the moment is upon me. I am not building strange visions about the reality that I think is happening, I am just accepting my reality for what it is.
The cathartic feeling of acceptance is one that is strange for me. It has been a challenge for me all my life. I just don’t typically accept my reality for what it is, I am always trying to find ways to change it but for now at least I can find some solace in the fact that in this moment, I am surviving.
More changes are coming and I am not sure if I will be Okay with everything that is about to happen but I am looking to do more than just survive. It is time to flourish. To grow into the person that I think I always was meant to be.
Will this future leave me alone or will I have my partner by my side? It is time to walk this path on my own for now, things are not over, but they are on pause. The toughest part of this situation is going from seeing and being with someone daily to having time apart. When I take a step back from the situation and look at it with a Wise Mind, it definitely helps to put things into perspective.
Our lives had become intertwined in such a way that individuality had begun to disappear and while this is not entirely a bad thing…there are aspects for us both that need to be explored so that we can truly be ready for what ever the next chapter will have written in it.
It is this next chapter that I am beginning to live now. I am not sure if it will be a horror story, love story or a true crime drama but I know that if I live my life completely, it will definitely make the story of my life a best seller and one that I can be proud of so Challenge Accepted. I am ready.