Circumstances in life sometimes have a funny way of bringing about the best of a situation even if that situation is very difficult. You see as my life continues to change and at times I feel like it is crumbling around me, I see these glimmers of a life that is better lived with the pain and the smiles co-existing.
This co-existence is the challenge that I am truly faced with as I sit here sharing my thoughts.
Radical Acceptance has been a real challenge for me. Knowing when there is the moments that I can change and those that I can’t and accepting that reality is a real struggle for me. Putting my life in the hands of the universe and not trying to control every moment is a struggle for me every moment of every day.
I love many things, I hate many more but at the end of the day, even with all the changes that are happening I can see that my life is my own for the very first time.
I find myself really wanting to be a better person for me and no one else. My future is not being built on the foundation of anyone other than me, but at the same time, I am bound to others in ways that defy the reality that I once thought was my only choice. I do for others…but only because I want to not because I think that there is some unwritten code that I must do it because someone else will only be happy if I do items A, B and C.
This freedom leaves me feeling full of joy…but at the same time there is an inner pain that still threatens to consume me. The changes that are occurring in my life are because of choices made by someone else. These changes are difficult to understand mainly because there has never been a why given. This saddens me very deeply as for a long time I thought that my only path to happiness was tied to doing what was needed in the moment for someone else…but the reality is that this is just not the case. I can be whole, without being bound. I can be bound without out giving up my individuality. There is freedom in realizing all of this.
The anger that at moments that consumes me is what scares me. I still feel like there are many moments that I am out of control, that the circumstances that surround me are conspiring to make me not find the happiness that I so desperately want to enjoy…but at the end of the day, I need to look to my inner happiness and let all the external crap just happen…I will be okay.