They say that knowledge is power but right now I don’t feel so powerful, in fact the some of the things that I know make me feel so very weak. This week has been increasingly difficult to get through and despite hoping that things will get better, I know that it is going to get even tougher in the days and weeks to come.
The loss that I have unfortunately had to go through has been a challenge over the past 8 months but somehow I have made it through but now I am pretty much on the eve of the greatest feeling of loss that I have had. I am fighting this deep feeling of abandonment right now. It is shaking me to the core and even as I surround myself in the blanket of DBT skills that I have been studying I am just not finding any comfort or reprieve.
Why do things like this have to happen to me, I like to think that I am a pretty good person but at the end of it all, regardless of how much I have changed I am still faced with the same thing that I have always faced. This latest loss though may have been an inevitable journey that I was meant to face and my actions only delayed the result and in doing so have made the act of saying goodbye (even if it is only temporary) really really hard.
Knowing things about the situation in this case do not make it easier. I am challenged everyday by the actions and words of everyone around me. I am finding that I am failing miserably at having and allowing myself to truly trust anyone right now.
The staircase that is before me seems to go on forever and even though at the start it was wide enough for two people…it has now narrowed and I must now go forward alone.
The darkness at times surrounds me in such thick, inky depth that I can not see anything and it is dense enough to press down on my chest and make it hard to breath.
Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know the truth…as they say, ignorance is bliss.