Lately I have been finding it increasingly challenging to even commit to coming here and allowing myself to share what is going on in my life. This challenge has proven to be all consuming as I dart back and forth in my mind from trying to deal with the emotional turmoil that surrounds me. I look out at the horizon each day I drive home and really think about the expanse of life that is before me.
The change that I have been dreading for over a month now is just a short 12 days away. The changes in my life are becoming more and more difficult to not only comprehend but to understand and process in a meaningful way. I find myself trying to center my thoughts and then build them into a coherent structure that has meaning, but from the chaos that surrounds me it is so very difficult to apply any structure.
I find myself missing my almost Father In-law and my own Mother a great deal lately. I find it hard to share this remorse and sorrow with anyone as it comes over me in waves that I at times do not have time to anticipate so that I can better deal with the feeling of loss that I have. My illness has had me lose so much throughout my adult life and despite my best efforts to become a stronger version of myself, I find myself falling back to some old habits far too easily.
Many times lately, I feel like the last man standing on a sinking ship. I see the water around me rising but I am powerless to make the choice of letting it consume me or fighting with every bit of my will to survive.
It is a sad state of affairs to not know and at times not care if I will wake up in the morning.
For so long I have been going through the motions and not really caring for me and that has to change. I know that I matter. I know that I have something to offer. I know that I am loved and will be loved.
I see the darkness all around me and hope only to see the light.
I see the chaos and only want to place order around it.
I see pain and sadness but only want to have joy and happiness.
This life that I live, and the Borderline Personality Disorder that for now rules my waking thoughts is all that I have.
I know in my heart that I will survive this and that the transformation that is coming will be better for me…but right now, I find myself splitting way too often and seeing life for its black and whites, devoid of the shades of grey that I had found.
Change Sucks…but it is Constant.
I will make it through this.
I have to!