The Grip

I am finding things really challenging lately.  I feel like my life is crumbling around me with all the change that is happening and at the same time this change is more than a little cathartic.  Living with BPD is like being in a constant battle with ones self.  I am trying so hard to find the positives but all the negative keep leaping to the forefront clouding my ability to be mindful.

Today I go to see my Doctor again.  The changes that looked like would happen at my last visit were delayed which did not make it easier, in fact what I thought would be an easy decision then has proven to be a painful reminder of my disease and how I struggle with letting things go.

The Grip that my life today has on me has me wondering what will be my future.  I want so much for myself that I am constantly in power struggle between the me, the us and the them.  I know that my doctor does not have the answers and that those answers lie within me but when I made the decision to not participate in the DBT Group Therapy (because of timing in relation to my work) I feel like I did myself a disservice but at the same time, I need to live and support my family and losing a day’s pay per week is not something that I can do.

The Grip of pain that I feel each and every day as I face the challenges of being mindful, and learning to put myself first is really hard as I don’t do that and my lack of long term focus on my own life is one of my biggest struggles.

Can I get the same benefits from a self directed DBT plan?  I hope so as I invest in a few workbooks and start to do the “homework” on my own.

I am finding that sitting down and laying this out helps and I sense that I will be posting more here in the coming weeks and months.