I am finding it rather hard to focus lately. It is not so much because I am struggling with my mental health it is in fact the exact opposite. I feel really good for the most part. I am practicing Mindfulness, embracing my Emotional Wellness and generally being content with my new reality. It is that very reality that has me challenged right now as my focus seems to be pulled in many different directions.
I am at a crossroads in my life. I am really unsure of what my next move will be. Factors that are entirely out of my control are at play that leave me feeling utterly alone, without a soul to turn to.
My relationship, while in many ways stronger than ever is about to take a dramatic shift and instead of daily visits and a 2 minute walk…the love of my life is going to move 20 minutes away to be closer to work and has clearly laid some boundaries that at this time she needs to do this on her own without me by her side and re-establish our life of cohabitation. The fragility of my own self worth has been hinged on the connection that we share and I am afraid that the separation will become all too permanent with the distance.
Top that off and my daughter has made her college selection that will move her more than 1 hour away, to the big city and starting a new adventure all her own. I know that she will flourish, but there seems to be so much left undone to repair the damage that my illness has created between us that I don’t know if I want her to go…but at the same time I know that her success is her doing and that this move is the best for her.
Then there is the dangerous world of my employment. The low pay and long commute are starting to way heavy on my psyche and I know that I just want out, but have nothing to go to at the moment.
So you see, I am at a crossroads in my life. There is much that I want to do, and so much that I can accomplish but the freedom that is about to enter into my life is really frightening. I have an opportunity right now to start down a path that will completely redefine who and what I am…but with that freedom comes so very many choices that I am utterly overwhelmed.
I am really wondering if it is time to really put focus on reinventing myself, go back to school and really start writing the next chapter of my life. I am about to gain some financial independence but I want to invest in my future in so many ways…again bringing me back to the world of too many choices.
I sit here staring at those very choices that I have and find myself almost crippled by indecision. I fight a constant battle between Logic and Emotion all the while trying to find peace in this struggle by focusing on the balance of the two.
I have time…but I want to start down this path sooner rather than later.