One of the biggest problems that I have even after all the work I have done on getting better is speaking without thinking. It constantly gets me into trouble and has me saying things that I either don’t mean, or I don’t forsee the consequences of what I am saying and how those words hurt those around me.
This weekend has been a real challenge, and the worst is that it not just what I say but how I say it. Conversation for me at times is like a wicked dance and I have two left feet. Sure there is the concept of pausing before speaking and thinking hard about what is going to come out of this BPD Brain of mine…but I don’t always take the time to reflect before letting it all hangout.
This is really what sucks, I was not intending to be hurtful or bitter or angry or inappropriate but that is what I was…on multiple occasions. It sucks that I can not control this part of my brain in an effective manner all of the time.
I am better than I was but it keeps popping up…at times that I should know better. I guess it is back to the drawing board to rewrite and rewire the parts of me that don’t respond to impulse control. Those that I love deserve to have the best of me, not the half baked rude comments that pop out of my malformed sentence structure.