Emotional Conflict and Confusion

A big part of my battle with Borderline Personality Disorder has been accepting the things that I did not in the past accept.  I see myself not as an emotional wreck (ALL THE DAMN TIME), but a caring and loving person who experiences the full weight of my surroundings in a unique way.  Accepting the things that I have control over and letting go of the things I do not is something that has been a learning experience…and has led to much conflict and confusion within my mind.

The transition of my life to experiencing things not with my Emotional Mind or my Rational Mind but with my Wise Mind has left me struggling almost every day as I weigh the pros and cons of everything that I experience.  Good, Bad and Indifferent I am refusing to shut anything out and really trying to accept the world as it is and not trying to have it bend to my will.

With every step forward that I make though I sense that in some areas I am taking a step back.  Part of this is the learning experience of new feelings and emotions…but more than that…I am struggling with the conflict of building a new me that is not reliant on, nor dependent on the validation of others people.  This need to be dependent is a struggle.  I feel so much.  I want so much. I even sense that I NEED so much…but at the end of the day, this may not be the right thing.

I continue to struggle every day with want makes me FEEL good, with what will make me BE good.

It is not an easy choice, and sometimes it is not a choice at all.

The coming weeks will continue to present me with more challenges as I explore some new aspects of who it is to be ME.  To be and to be in the moment, even when that moment is incredibly painful.

The choices and decisions that I have been making have not all been good, right or beneficial and as I dive headlong into being more mindful and finding the path that my wise mind has laid out for me…I sense that I am not going to be as happy as I thought I would be.  That some sacrifices will need to be made to improve my situation.  That changes to my very existence will happen…but these are things that will happen regardless of if I want them to or not…so I am taking control of the parts of my destiny that I can control…and letting go of the things that I can not.

To say it in terms that I have recently learned…I am putting it out to the universe and if it is right…I will have the guidance that I need…at the time that I need it.

Hokey but so far…it is working for the most part.