As hard as I try, there never seems to be an end to the challenges that face me. The biggest challenge that I face on a daily basis is knowing where my illness ends and a shitty string of luck begins. Is it really possible that any one person can have as much crap fall on them as I have in the past 3 months and really be expected to hold it all together?
I am trying to see things as they are, but then my “inner voice” pipes up and fills my head with all the negative self talk that it so likes to do.
I am trying to believe in the process of living in the moment and then I try to lay out a plan of attack and get side swiped.
I am trying to love myself and then those that I trust the most let me down.
I am trying to see the colours of life and then the black and white reality creeps in.
I am trying to want to be better and then I think “What is the Point…who really cares about you”.
I am trying to put thing down, forgive, forget, abide, submit…and then reality kicks me in the nads.
I am so tired of trying and then I think…what if I stop.
What if I stop trying…EVERYTHING?
That scares the shit out of me as that part of the negative self talk is what leads me down the path of wanting to stop existing.
I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to cease. I don’t want to end.
So for now, I keep trying…because to not try, is to be less than I was, and I have come way to far to stop now.
I look to the light of my life and see things for what they should be. That light is a beacon to a better today…not a better tomorrow as that will come if I just keep doing…I live for today and even when it is a bad day…it is a day that I survived!
So for now, I keep trying.