Lately my posts here have been getting progressively darker. For those reading them it may seem that I am in a downward spiral and that with my ongoing challenge of living with Borderline Personality Disorder there is a risk for truly bad things are afoot.
I would not entirely disagree with that assessment. In fact I am sure that if I am able to continue with my therapy, I will be in need of some additional assistance in dealing with the negative emotions that I am feeling. I can honestly say though that I am not at risk of ending anything…except for maybe my 18 month relationship with the person that I still feel is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
The challenge of living life is one that is worth it. Life is not always easy. Life is not always about getting your way. Life is not always about the pedestal that we place people on.
What is life about? It is about Living!
Living is messy. Living is a blessing. Living is painful. Living is joyous.
Living is about doing more than just going through the motions and walking around like a zombie letting the world go on around you.
I hurt with every fibre of my being right now. I committed every ounce of who I am to making things work…but at the same time this very activity is what eventually caused us to become more distant. Is it all my fault…no. I am partially to blame but with a sober and sombre heart I see more clearly that because of choices that we both made and continue to make…it would not work.
I can not completely change who I am and what I believe in. Part of me will always need to be who I was. I am changing, and for the most part the clarity of my own change is allowing me to see things that I was holding on to despite knowing that it would cause me pain in the long run.
My life is not going to be easy…I have at the very least 6 weeks before I am able to do the things that I could before all the “changes” that happened after I found out about my illness.
My future is not likely to be bright. It is not likely to be happy…but it is a future. I accept that I am the only one who can change the path that I have been on. Where will all this change take me…I don’t know but it is time that I really look to what and who I am before I ever try to connect with anyone.
I accept that my biggest challenge in life right now will be doing things on my own for at least the next little while.
Taking the leap of faith that I will be able to get through this on my own is going to be really, really hard.
I will miss things. I will miss people. I will miss happiness…but in the long run going through this particular challenge is going to make my life that much better.
I wish those who were in my life over the past 18 months the best of luck…but for the time being, I will be going it alone and striking my own path…what ever that may be.