Lean into the emotion they say. Let it wash over you they say. Once you have accepted the emotion…let it go.
Ok that is all fine and good but as I prepare to have my brain scanned today…I am truly terrified that they will find a tumor, or something bigger to explain the headaches, seizure like symptoms, and the battle that I have with Traumatic Brain Injury on top of my BPD.
I am truly scared that I am going to be left to go through all of this alone.
I am 44 years old, don’t have a pot to piss in when it comes to a future (at the moment), I have lost my mother, my fiance, my daughter is off to college in less than 9 months….I am staring down the barrel of a lot of things that I am going to have to do all by myself…and I am just not sure I have the strength to do it.
I am afraid of any diagnosis.
I am afraid that it will change my life even more than it is now.
I have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home…but that won’t continue for much longer as I can not fulfill all the duties that my bosses have set out for me.
I am scared…and when I get scared…I see the dangers at every corner.
I see the monsters under the bed.
I see the creepy crawlies that cover every surface.
I feel the pit in my stomach growing.
Lean into the emotion, let it wash over you and then let it go.
Not easy…but I am working on it.