Fighting Fear…and Sometimes Losing

Lean into the emotion they say.  Let it wash over you they say.  Once you have accepted the emotion…let it go.

Ok that is all fine and good but as I prepare to have my brain scanned today…I am truly terrified that they will find a tumor, or something bigger to explain the headaches, seizure like symptoms, and the battle that I have with Traumatic Brain Injury on top of my BPD.

I am truly scared that I am going to be left to go through all of this alone.

I am 44 years old, don’t have a pot to piss in when it comes to a future (at the moment), I have lost my mother, my fiance, my daughter is off to college in less than 9 months….I am staring down the barrel of a lot of things that I am going to have to do all by myself…and I am just not sure I have the strength to do it.

I am afraid of any diagnosis.

I am afraid that it will change my life even more than it is now.

I have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home…but that won’t continue for much longer as I can not fulfill all the duties that my bosses have set out for me.

I am scared…and when I get scared…I see the dangers at every corner.

I see the monsters under the bed.

I see  the creepy crawlies that cover every surface.

I feel the pit in my stomach growing.

Lean into the emotion, let it wash over you and then let it go.

Not easy…but I am working on it.