Down for the Holidays…

The changes in my life have me questioning a lot of who I was, who I am and who I will be and at this time of year, when everyone around me seems to be filled with the giving spirit…I can’t help but feel that there is something wrong with how I am feeling.

I have suffered greatly in the 2nd half of 2016 but also found a tremendous source of inner strength as I get to know this person that I am.  This will be the first Christmas season without my mother who passed away just 6 weeks ago and I don’t think that I fully allowed myself to feel that loss until now…especially as the other losses in my life start to compound.

You see, my life thus far has been a whole lot of isolation, and this year, more than ever before I feel more isolated and withdrawn than I ever have before.  I look around me and I don’t have a super large network of friends (heck who am I kidding…I really only have one friend who also happened to be what I thought was my soul mate until last week) and my family is just too far away to help me through all this.

I find it really hard to turn to anyone and ask for help…so I look to putting the words onto this site to help me work through the pain that I feel.

My therapist says I need to get out and meet people…but without the ability to drive, my options are very limited as I transplanted my life to a small town that I only know one person and for my own mental health, I am trying to limit my reliance on her as we continue to try to define what we are to each other…you see last week my fiance and I decided that despite each loving each other…our lives were taking on different meanings and the romantic side of who we were was suffering greatly.  I am trying to be understanding and give her the space she needs…but sometimes I wonder when it is my turn to get to be a little selfish…and get what I want and need.

The disease that I suffer from, Borderline Personality Disorder leaves me with many distorted sensations when it comes to how I interpret emotions and thoughts.  I take the time to try and live in the moment and experience what I need to experience, rewriting what the feelings I have are so that they are “normal” but then the loneliness takes over.  I can’t help but feel like the harder I try, the farther I fall behind.

I can accept many things…but why does this time of the year have to be this way…and so god damned cold too!!!

Ok…so I have gone through a bit of the self loathing…I even broke down and started to cry in McDonald’s this morning (WTF) and now as I look back on what I was feeling it was very valid but over amplified.  I stepped away from the feeling of failure and really looked at my life today as it stands in this moment.

I am staring at the chasm that is my life today…the huge void of emptiness.

And as I look at it, surprisingly I don’t see just the emptiness that I would normally see.  I see the opportunity to chart my own path, my own future, my own destiny.  I am not beholden to someone else’s feelings (although my daughter will still play a huge role in that future that I am looking at).  This holiday season, while I don’t and won’t have a Christmas Tree and there won’t be a kiss under the Mistletoe…I am very fortunate because I am alive and that very statement was very close to not being a fact just 3 short months ago.

I have grown a tremendous amount and while I still hold onto some of the distorted thoughts that have plagued me in the past…I have a real opportunity to not only become healthy for the first time in my adult life…but that my world will soon revolve around me and my own happiness.

So as 2016 closes out, and 2017 approaches…I am not going to make any resolutions other than to be real.

Real with myself.

Real with others.

Real with my heart.

Real with my soul.

I may not matter to many people in this world…but I matter to me and today…that is all that I need.