I sit here preparing for my weekly therapy session and think about all the things that have changed recently in my life. The loss that I have experienced in the past 6 months has been incredible, the changes in my life and lifestyle have been dramatic, my health while stable is still in question every single day. I find myself on the outside of myself looking in a lot lately and I realize that I don’t always like what I see.
If I was to truly look into the mirror of my life I think I would see someone who has been through so much in a very little amount of time. So much so that it is completely natural to be on the verge of a perpetual break down with every breath…but then I think to my “training”…the ongoing emotional roller coaster that I am chugging along on and realize that I am due for some real growth.
I had a relationship that I thought would stand the test of time…but time has revealed something ugly…something not kind and definitely not healthy. The changes that I am making in myself may not have room for what this relationship is…what it was was beautiful…but like a bouquet of flowers on a dining room table…the cuts that allowed it to come inside…do not allow the flowers to grow.
I stand on the outside looking in and realize that beyond what I have with one person…I have nothing else.
This is very dangerous to my own mental health. I have put all my energy into keeping these cut flowers alive that I have let a part of me that has very strong ethics…whither. I am not saying that there is not room within my life to change what I believe…but I can not stand by any longer and allow the actions of another person to dictate what I believe. At the end of the day, it is me who has to look into that mirror of life and accept what is staring back at me.
Right now, that is not possible. But this old ending that has been an ever growing source of turmoil for me is not going away. Can it be that this ending is a new beginning…was I and am I meant to be in this place and feel the hurt I feel now? Can I make it work within the relationship? Can I or should I accept the other person for who and what they are, even if it means that I have to radically alter my acceptance of the things they do?
This struggle that I feel leaves me feeling very alone. I rely a great deal on this person, not just for the emotional connection that I have to her…but to so much of what I can do right now because of circumstances that for the time being are completely beyond my control. I am a slave to this connection that I have and it is painful to look at just how much of what I can do is directly related to how this person feels on any given day.
But this week is going to set things in motion that may bring my life back to what it once was. If things go well, I will not be beholden to the whims of another for long…but does that mean that I just cut things off? Do I just move on after being so strongly connected for so long? A big part of my illness is an all or nothing attitude…but is there a happy medium? Can I be friends with someone that I have shared so many intimate moments with? Can men and women be friends…I mean really friends?
As I look for the ways I need to expand my circle…I keep getting drawn back to the illness that has always prevented me from doing this. I struggle with the idea that I need to become more…and then fearful of the idea that at the end of the day…it may just be me forever.
I am scared of the self imposed isolation that is coming…as my daughter is just 8 months away from leaving the nest. I am truly unsure of what I will do next…but I am ready to take the leap and move forward.