It has been said that anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. For the most part I think of that statement as utter rubish, but then I look at the past 4 months of my life and start to think that my own strength comes from the challenges that I have faced.
Inner turmoil can do a few things to you:
- Make you question why you keep going
- Make you dig deep and find a strength you never knew you had
- Make you withdraw and shut yourself off from everyone and everything that matters
- Make you quit
When I look at the challenges that I have survived in these past few months and the years and decades before that…I really do choose to look at #2 as the option that I have to hold on to.
When I received my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I could have looked at this as just another load of horse whooey that has no relevance to who I am…but I made a choice to look deeper at what having an accurate explanation for my behaviour and actions…and build a new reality from who I was.
It is funny when we look to ourselves for the guidance instead of looking for someone to give us the answers that we truly become enlightened. I see myself as more than the sum of failed relationships, bad decisions and broken promises that have plagued me for my entire history.
I am more than I was…and I will be more than I am…but it is going to take work…DAMN HARD WORK to realize the promise that I made to myself in September. Will my life be happy? That at the end of the day is a choice that I will have to consciously have to make because happiness is not something that you can borrow from someone else…it is something that you build at every stage of your life.
My life today is vastly different than I thought it would be…hell I was supposed to be married right now, but the path that has been laid out for me does not include that in the immediate future. I was supposed to be making a living building websites…but my focus had to be on helping myself and others get through the challenges that life had presented to us.
Tomorrow is going to come for each of us, so I choose to live life today. If it is a bad day, it is just that…if it is a good day…again it is that. I will experience all that life has to offer me, and soak it all in…in the moment. I will do all I can do to make the day that I am living the best that I can be…and even when my anxiety, racing thoughts and misguided assumptions have me think other things…the emotions I have now…are far better than the Black and White that I had before.
For those reading this…choose to be all you can be TODAY because that is what you have.