Too much has happened to me in recent days and weeks to truly put into words how I am feeling but I will try.
As my world that I have so carefully built up around me crumbles, the sense of fear and helplessness seems to want to over take me at every turn. I am only able to see the negative in both myself and those who care most about. This inner turmoil and the voice inside my head that keeps telling me that everything is my fault is speaking louder and louder with each passing moment.
The world and the image of myself that I have constructed, was not one that was about me as I now realize. I have put so much weight on my own self worth on the feelings of other people that when I see (either in reality or in my own distorted perception) that I am not living up to the expectations that I assume they have for me…I am a failure.
The deep sense of loss that I have right now comes deep from within me. Some of the feelings that I am having are precipitated by the actions of other people, while the worst of it all, is that I am in a period of constant transition right now…and this uneasiness has made it easy for the old reality to step back in.
My reality today is not a pretty one. I thought that I had moved past the realm of negative self talk but the reality is, it did not go away, it was only hiding and with recent events in my life shaking things up for me…it has not only returned to the forefront…it is standing in front of me SCREAMING that I am a LOSER!
I can’t help but start to believe the words as they are coming from deep within me and the circumstances are all pointing to this being the truth.
That is, until I start to do the emotional exercises that I am learning in my weekly therapy sessions.
The thoughts that I am having are proving to be lies and while many facts are pointing to my current reality not being all Rainbows and Puppy Dogs…my life is not as bad as it could be or once was.
I am stronger now than I ever was in the past. I have a new set of tools that I can use to battle the negative thoughts that are not likely to go away forever…but will be a constant reminder that I live with an illness. It is an illness that while it can be managed, there is no complete cure. I don’t have to give in to the words that my own mind is saying to me…I am stronger than that. I am bigger than the small feeling that causes me to shrink into the background and the old emotions of Anger and Sadness are all that remain.
For those who come to this site looking to hear me say that I have beaten Borderline Personality Disorder…well I am not quite there yet, but as long as I remain aware of who I want to be and more importantly WHO I AM RIGHT NOW then I will be able to get through this. Communication with myself is just as important as communication with those I love and it those that I love that I keep fighting this difficult battle within me for…because I can not be for them, if I can not be for me.
Keep your chin up people…I know I will be trying to do the same!!!