What Do I Do Next?

Life is filled with many cross roads.  There comes a time when all things that exist must make a choice…to exist or to cease to exist.

Each day I wake up and make a choice to exist.  To move on.  To live.  To thrive.  Most days I don’t second guess this choice but then there are days that I really start to wonder why I made that choice.

I know that a big part of this feeling that I some times have is part of my illness, and that the feeling will pass but it does not diminish the reality that life sometimes really sucks.

It is not easy to live with an illness that has you actually looking for the ways that people will let you down.  It is a real challenge.

Today was definitely one of those days.  I made some choices today that had me do things differently and the result of that, and the change in my Saturday routine led me to really question my existence.

Do I matter?  Would anyone notice if I was not here?  Is it worth the effort that I put in each day?  What if I never get better?  Why does this keep happening to me?  Am I worthy of anyone actually giving a damn?

These are all questions that come flowing into my head.  The answers don’t come easy but I do know a few things:

  • I do matter.  To myself!
  • It does not make a difference if no one noticed me being gone…I have value.
  • The effort I put forth makes a difference to my own health and that is important for all too many reasons.
  • The destination is not as important as the journey…and I am committed to riding out this path I have chosen, even if I never get to where I think I want to be.
  • I set up many situations that I will read the writing that I want to read…it still doesn’t make it the whole truth…just the one that I perceive.
  • My worth is not found in what others think of me…my worth is only on what I place on ME!

So has today been tough…yeah but my reality in the moment is that this is a tough “time” that shall pass.  I lean into this moment, just as I do the good times.  I embrace it as my reality…and then the tough thing…I release it.

Will I continue to exist tomorrow?  Yes I will!