The past couple of weeks have been more than a little challenging. I have experienced extreme loss, overwhelming joy and all the ups and downs and sideways turns that in the past would have sent me spiraling out of control into fits of anger, rage and self destruction.
The loss of my mother on November 1, 2016 will forever be one of those traumatic events that changes the perspective of life forever…but at the same time as I lost my mother, I regained the trust, respect and love of my brothers. In her death we came together. I was actually aware of them for the first time in my adult life…there was no going through the motions, paying fake respect or just showing up. I was truly present, soaking in the good the bad and the indifferent that was around me.
I have been practicing taking long hard looks at my emotions lately, thanks in part to my therapy that I go to every Tuesday morning.
I am finding it easier to not only identify what I am feeling, but to act and react according to the validation that what I am feeling is appropriate to the situation.
For anyone who has had that inner battle of the voices telling you to lash out, say mean things or just run away crying…you know how this can really sour relationships.
For the first time that I can remember, I just wanted to experience what was happening, unfiltered and raw. I did not need to hide behind an emotional wall. I was unguarded. I was genuine. I was acting like a normal person.
It felt great…even though the situation was far from that.
Do I still struggle…you bet.
Is it getting easier…a little bit each day.
Am I doing okay? You Bet!!!
So for today, I can focus on what makes me feel. The connection that I have with my daughter, the rekindling of romance with my fiance and the building of bridges and interacting with an amazing new group that I am helping to form called You Matter (to me).
Cheers for today,