When it comes to learning how to get a handle on the emotional turmoil that lives inside my head, the first step to recovery or better yet the first step to completion is the starting of some pretty intensive therapy. I am lucky in that I was able to get in, once per week to see an OHIP funded psychiatric nurse to help me get a handle on this new reality that I am now facing.
On Tuesday, that hour seemed to fly by as we explored both what brought me in to see her almost 1 month ago, what had me be admitted for 48 hours of In Patient care. The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder came not only as a shock but at the same time as a relief and as I had already done quite a bit of research on the disorder and the treatment, I became focused primarily on living my life in the moment…this first meeting was not about mindfulness but about Emotional Regulation, something that I have always been challenged by.
You see, while my case of BPD is unique to me, I like so many others challenged by this disease face the challenge of not understanding how to properly display, or at times even experience emotions. For a long time I saw my life as having just four key emotions, Happy, Fear, Anger and Sad. There was no balance and my entire adult life has been spent cycling through the extremes of these four emotions and in starting the module with Emotional Regulation I see that there is so much more that I can experience when it comes to living a mindful life.
The overwhelming uncertainty of who or what I would present to the world at any given moment where I only had the depth of four options to choose from was excruciating but as I look beyond the corners of my mind and start to see the rounded edges of the world in which I want to be a part of I start to reveal parts of who I am that I did not know existed.
Part of my first stage of home work will be to “Experience” these emotions, catalog them and really look to who and what I am as I start to explore the shades of grey that are now becoming part of my life.
This new experience coupled with my intense desire to be completely honest with people about how I am feeling in the moment is making it a bit hard to be around me…you know, living in extremes is what I do, but I have already started to find some balance and while I am loving the feelings I have now…I don’t know where this new found understanding will take me next…but I am looking forward to the journey.