I am very quickly learning that one of the things that makes BPD so challenging, is my need to always fix things. Especially when something is not going right for someone else. This has been a tough couple of days, and I feel my insides crying out for relief from the pain I feel, and the misery that I witness.
Not being able to whisk away pain, heart ache and sorrow is something that really hurts and I am finding it increasingly difficult to be able to be whole for the people that I need, and that I know need me.
There is the reality that does kick in as I hold myself back from trying to come up with solutions to problems…and that is to focus on being present. Living in the moment and really striving to be there when assistance is requested has its own rewards but I am finding that this action takes so much of my attention and concentration that I find it hard to locate my own smile.
One piece of solace that I do find though…is that I know that even though I have no business trying to fix the situation…I know that my act of being there means far more than just applying a band aid to the situation that will eventually work itself out and life will once again find its own measure of homeostasis.
I know that I have to take care of myself, and that my own challenges have to be my own focus, but I find it harder and harder to find the balance between putting that focus on my needs while at the same time, being present for others. I so desperately want to take all the pain and hurt away and bring back the happiness that for a brief moment was present last week.
Not seeing joy and bliss is really hard for me right now with all that is going on in my life but I know that this whole endeavour is about the long term gains of being a better person, partner and hopefully spouse one day!
But again…I just want to FIX IT ALL!!!