As I have already started to study the precepts, concepts and focus that comes with DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), especially the concept of Mindfulness I find myself struggling. For most of my life I have plotted, planned, conceived and built projects around everything that I do. Living in the moment is really, really hard for me.
The set of circumstances that surrounds me in this very moment are for the most part out of my control. I feel like I am going through the motions of a life that someone else is living and I am just along for the ride…and it is not a ride that I am enjoying.
Sure, there are many times that I forget about my past, don’t think about my future and just experience what is happening, like yesterday when I soaked in the Norfolk County Fair with someone that I truly Appreciate, Believe In and Cherish almost every moment with…but then I have time to think or worse I allow myself to get swept up by an emotion, action or word and I come crashing down.
I am so torn between wanting what I know I need, and needing what I think I want.
This is very difficult time, and at these times I really start to call into question the validity and worthiness of the challenges that I will face in the coming weeks, months and years.
The thought of being alone terrifies me.
The thought of keeping the status quo as it stands today terrifies me.
The thought of doing the same thing today that I did yesterday terrifies me.
I need to plan. I need to plot. I need to conceive.
And then I stop, take a breath. Experience what is around me. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings and emotions. I find that moment, but it is just that a moment and then the world comes crashing back around me.
I live with Mental Illness. The alternative is not an option.
What happens when reality is so much worse than the worst case scenario that you had built for yourself to avoid?
I call into question my friendships, my relationships, my family.
I see darkness and I have no light to sweep it away.
I feel pain and I have no medication to make it better.
I smell the acrid scent of failure and there are no perfumes to take that away.
I am overcome with loss, and have no emotion to replace it with.
I will get through this…I just don’t know how.