Tough Times…Not Easy

This past week has been a whirl wind of emotions.  The medication that I have been prescribed seems to be helping for the most part but I do find that I become an emotional wreck at what would seem to be the smallest things.

With all the loss and change and upheaval that is and has been going on in my life during the transition to living with the knowledge that I have Borderline Personality Disorder I find that right now it is really hard to see and do things that I once upon a time took for granted as being “normal”.

At the end of last week, my mother had a feeding tube surgically placed to enable her to get enough calories as the cancer is making it harder for her to eat food (which has been a struggle for her for the past couple of years to begin with).  She came through the surgery fine and seems to be doing well and I look forward to seeing her this weekend.

My relationship with my ex-fiance is one that is to say the least…interesting.  We see each other every day, not because we have to but because we want to.  Her son came home yesterday and I even made a “Tea Date” with him so we can really get to know each other and figure out how we can get along for everyone’s sake.

Emotionally though, this has been a really tough time.  I have seen myself go from happy and hopeful to weepy and depressed by just looking at something or doing something.  The real loss I think will come tomorrow as I go back to work for the first time in over 6 weeks.  I get to work from home which is amazing…but it does mean that I will be placed into my personal isolation box of my home…it is going to be tough but the fact that I will not be trying to survive on 55% of a meager income it is going to make life a lot easier.

My relationship with my daughter is stronger than ever, even if her bio-mom is being even more annoying than usual.

Sleep, now there is a topic of concern.  4 days and a total of about 9.5 hours total, even with the aid of sleeping pills.  When the lights go off, and I am alone, my mind races, my heart beats so strongly that I swear the headboard bumps against the wall.  I don’t like the feeling of being alone as it seems to define what will be my future if I can’t make my life work as it should.

Two things about the health front though.  1) My Therapist has been away on emergency leave for the past two weeks and I still have not gotten my first session in with her to start on the path to proper recovery and 2) I got the letter for my MRI…it is not happening until March 6, 2017 a full 7 months after my visit to the Neurologist and 1 month after I am supposed to get my license back.  This has me very concerned as I am struggling with the concept of not being able to look after my self completely.  Sure I am saving money by not driving to work and paying for full insurance but relying on other people for simple things like going to the Grocery Store or getting to the Doctor…well it really just sucks.

Things will get better, I know they will.  But right now, the transition is really tough.