fresh starts, new beginnings and so much pain

Yesterday marked week 2 with the knowledge that everything was not okay with me.

It has been a real challenge at times to even wake up in the morning.

I still have not gotten my first appointment with the therapist to start my Dialect Behavior Therapy but I did find out that my therapist has had an emergency of her own to deal with.

So I figured I would use my skills as a web designer/developer to build this site and help others to find there way through the complicated maze that is the mental health care system both here in Canada and abroad.

I am really not sure how I will make it through all the changes that are going on in my life but I figured I would take an opportunity to put it out there for the world to see what took me to the place that had me circling the drain and genuinely giving myself the permission to say that I was not okay!

Before my diagnosis, I was under the impression that I suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  much of this misdiagnosis was my own fault, as I have always had a tendency to not tell the whole truth to anyone (including Doctors) when it comes to what I am feeling and experiencing.  I guess part of this comes from the fear of what really knowing what was going on would do to me.

During a recent stay in a Mental Health Facility after having what could only be called a bit of a BREAK from reality, I did a lot of reflection and thinking about what and where things had gone wrong for me.

Going back over 30 years and really looking at my emotions and how I dealt with situations, I have had a lot of practice in suppressing fear, anger, sadness and joy.  Most of my life has been spent hiding from the truth, and fearing honesty.

15 months ago, this fear started to give way to hope though.  You see, in July 2015 I met a very special person…in a most strange way.  From the moment that she lifted her sunglasses and said “Krispy?”, I was hooked.  There was something deeply honest, open and well spiritual in the way that she had me really believing in the future…that is, until a series of events, just before our wedding…that our lives together entered into a heaping pile of well…HURT!

Within the time span of 4 weeks, our lives together came to a screeching halt.  She had lost her father to suicide on August 10, 2016, I suffered my 29th concussion and had what could only be described as a psychotic break on August 16 and then to top it all off, my own mother broke the news that she was now battling terminal Cancer with very little time to live.  Then to add insult to injury after being off work for 4 weeks, I found out that my Drivers License would be suspended for at least 6 months because of black outs related to the head injury.

All the stress of dealing with her grief, and then adding to this the outburst that damaged the relationship not only with her but with our 3 children (her 2 and my 1), had us struggling to find all the answers immediately.  The problem is, health care in Canada is not instantaneous and the stress of dealing with all of this not only delayed our wedding, but had the one person that I want to spend eternity with, need to push away and find space on her own.

This takes us to just 2 days after our “temporary split”, which truly had me questioning if life was worth living…I had an appointment with a therapist in which as the time drew closer, I knew that for my own sake and for all those that I supposed cared about…I had to come clean and admit that “I WAS NOT MYSELF!  I WAS SUICIDAL!”  Sitting in that office and drifting out of consciousness with yet another black out, I knew that the question would be coming that would have me placed under observation.

48 hours of reflection though, did have me ready to face life head first.  Not with a Zest, but with a Purpose.

The man who took his own life, may have actually saved mine as I knew that I could not do this alone.

Fast forwarding to today, a chilly early autumn day…I find myself still facing many challenges…but I do find that with the limited tools that I have already started to put into place, and the resources that are at my disposal, I am able to find ways to cope, to balance and to ground myself.